Jokes
School teacher sends home a note with student.
The note reads, ”Your son is an obedient and bright student, but spends too much time talking to girls.”
Mother sends a note back the following day, ”Please advise a solution. Father has the same problem."
Employee: "Sir, what is the secret of your success?"
Manager: "Two words."
Employee: "And, Sir, what are they?"
Manager: "Right decisions."
Employee: "And how do you make right decisions?"
Manager: "One word."
Employee: "And, What is that?"
Manager: "Experience."
Employee: "And how do you get Experience?"
Manager: "Two words."
Employee: "And, Sir, what are they?"
Manager: "Wrong decisions."
Teacher: "Whoever answers my next question, can go home."
One boy throws his bag out the window.
Teacher: "Who just threw that?"
Boy: "Me, and now I’m going home."
The Confident Genius
A proud and confident genius makes a bet with an idiot. The genius says, "Hey idiot, every question I ask you that you don't know the answer, you have to give me Rs.5. And if you ask me a question and I can't answer yours, I will give you Rs.500."
The idiot replies, "Okay." The genius then asks, "How many continents are there in the world?" The idiot doesn't know and hands over the Rs.5. The idiot says, "Now my turn, what animal stands with two legs but sleeps with three?"
The genius tries and searches very hard for the answer but gives up and hands over the Rs.500. The genius says, "I lost. By the way, what was the answer to your question?"
The idiot hands over Rs.5.
Employee Motivation
The owner of a company tells his employees, “You worked very hard this year, therefore the company’s profits increased dramatically. As a reward, I'm giving everyone a cheque for Rs.50,000!”
Thrilled, the employees gather round and high-five one another.
“And if you work with the same zeal next year, I'll sign those cheques!”
Using Google Translate
The homework assignment for a Spanish class was to write a paragraph.
When the teacher returned their papers, she asked one student if he had used Google Translate or any other online translator to write his paper.
He categorically denied doing so.
That led to the teacher's next question, “Then why is this in French?”
A Little Jury Help
A man being tried for murder happens to know one of the jurors. Before jury deliberation, the man finds a way to contact his friend and emphatically demands that he vote for life in prison with the possibility of parole. The friend agrees.
The jury deliberates for a week and returns a verdict of guilty with life imprisonment. The convicted man phones his friend and asks why it took so long for the verdict.
His friend says, "It took me a long time to convince the other jurors for life imprisonment."
"Why is that?"
"Because they wanted to acquit you!"
The Open Heart Surgery
An engineer was removing the engine parts from a motorcycle when he saw a famous heart surgeon in his shop. He went to him and said, "Look at this engine... I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired them and put them back, so why do I get such a small salary and you get huge sums?"
The doctor smiled at the engineer and came close to his ear and said, "Try the same when the engine is running."
The engineer smiled back came close to doctors ear and said, "I can take any dead engine and make it alive again, can you?"
The Echo
Guy goes to top of the mountain and screams, "I LOVE YOU!"
He waits for the echo. It takes a while, but he finally hears it.
Echo replies, "I have a boyfriend!"
Early Bird
"Why did they arrest you?"
"They said I was shopping too early."
"Well, that's not a crime. How early were you shopping?"
"Before the store opened."
Direct Marketing
A student at a management college came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.
The surprised girl said, “What was that?”
The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”
The girl slapped him soundly.
“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.
“Customer feedback.”
Math Exam
Mom: What did you do at school today?
Son: We played a guessing game.
Mom: But I thought you were having a math exam?
Son: That’s right.
Color the Duck
A kindergarten teacher handed out a coloring page to her class. On it was a picture of a duck holding an umbrella.
The teacher told her class to color the duck in yellow and the umbrella green. A little girl, the class rebel, colored the duck in a bright fire-truck red.
After seeing this, the teacher asked him, "How many times have you seen a red duck?"
The little girl replied, "The same number of times I've seen a duck holding an umbrella."
Targets!
One motorist jumped a red signal.
Taking advantage of it, another five motorists behind him followed and jumped the signal.
Cops standing on the other side left the first motorist but caught the other five who had followed him and collected the fine.
One among them furiously asked a cop why they didn't stop the first motorist.
Cop says, "He is our Marketing person". His job is to jump the signals to tempt you guys so that we reach our annual collection target.
*March* mahina hai boss …
CA as a Cricketer!
Once a CA got selected in Indian Cricket Team!
He raised his bat on scoring 40 runs and again on 60 runs!
Sachin tells him “It’s not a 50 or 100″.
CA says “Tumhe kya pata, ONLY a CA can understand the importance of scoring 40 and 60!!”
Sachin shocked, CA rocked!
Battling Salons
A new hair salon opened up for business right across the street from the old established hair cutters' place.
They put up a big bold sign which read: "WE GIVE SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"
Not to be outdone, the old Master Barber put up his own sign: "WE FIX SEVEN DOLLAR HAIR CUTS!"
Sworn to Tell the Truth
The judge warned the witness, “Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?”
“I do.”
“Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?”
“Sure,” said the witness. “My side will win.”
A CA and two of his articles were going for Bank Audit.
On the way, God appeared and asked what gift do you want?
First Article: I wish to go Singapore with a lot of money.
God sent him to Singapore with lots of money.
Second Article: I wish to go to Switzerland with lots of money.
God sent him to Switzerland,
CA's turn: I want those two idiots before lunchtime.
God fulfilled his Desire
Moral: Let your boss speak first!
Justice Triumphs
A lawyer had a jury trial in a very difficult business case. The client, who had attended the trial, was out of town when the jury came back with its decision, which was for the lawyer and his client.
The lawyer immediately sent a message to his client, reading, "Justice has triumphed!"
The client wired back, "Appeal at once!"
Goodbye Disney
As a family was leaving Disney World, the daughter waved and said, "Goodbye Minnie!"
The son waved and said, "Goodbye Mickey!"
The father of the two kids waved and said, "Goodbye money!"
Once a CA and an Engineer got into an argument.
The Engineer got angry and said to the CA ”I will wrap you in thermo hydrolite and throw you with a speed of E=mc2 (square) ".
CA replied, "For E=mc2(square), you will require to have an atomic blast by importing Uranium and building a nuclear reactor, in your case,
– You don’t have licence to import Uranium
– To Build nuclear reactor u need finance and you don’t have that financial institution in India will provide you that,
– You don’t have government approval for an atomic blast,
– by the time the notification for approval of blast we will be dead already.
so your threat is good to hear but practically not feasible and not at all viable when the provided data is taken into account.
Engineer shocked, CA Rocked…!!
Thanks for Your Help, Judge
The judge reviews the divorce case very carefully and issues his judgement. "Mr Smith, I am going to give your wife $750 a month."
Mr. Smith's replies, "That's very nice of you, judge. And every once in a while I will send her a little extra too."
Father: Tumhare CA k Result ka kya hua?
Son: Headmaster ka beta fail ho gaya,
Father: Aur tum…??
Son: Doctor ka beta Bhi fail ho gaya,
Father: Aur tumhara result kaisa Aaya….??
Son: Wo Wakeel Ka Beta Bhi fail Ho gya,
Father: Mai tera puch raha hun
Son: To Aap konse Rajnikant Ho, Aapka Beta Bhi Fail Hai.